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Southern Charm

A friend sent me an interesting letter. Yes, it was one of those joke letters that end up annoying most people, but I really liked the following lines:
If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
There are two sections sections below.

Redneck Valentines Day Poem

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Carr's.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

Luv, from yor romeo

Southern Advice

If you are from the northern states and are planning on visiting or moving
to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you
adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samiches'.

The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance. The South has an 'amalance'.

The North has Indy car races. The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.

The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt. The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Two men in a four-wheel
drive pick-up truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to
help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural,
and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child.
This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!"
and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are
saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol."

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!," you should
stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest
acccumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery

It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go

When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds have their own shotguns.
They are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow
a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

And Remember...

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't
think we will accept them as Southerners. After all,
if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Have a good day!


This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on February 22, 2002 3:28 PM.

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